​ I was noticing my drinking was affecting my performance and I found myself drinking less. The urge to drink was slowly drifting away. Jiu-Jitsu becomes a lifestyle after time if you train enough. I started eating healthier and realizing my body is a machine and I needed to make sure the right fuel was going in. I started to study nutrition and trying to optimize my diet so I could roll longer and compete at a higher level. Within 6 months of training, I received my blue belt from my coach and mentor Mark Mortensen. I had fought in an mma fight back in the fall of 2009 and decided I wanted to go for it again. I decided I wanted be a Jiu-Jitsu fighter and I wanted to win all of my fights with Jiu-Jitsu dominating the fight. I ended up going 3-0 and got a title shot that I ultimately lost to quite possibly one of the best armature welterweights in the nation. I achieved a goal I thought was impossible by fighting for a title with Jiu-Jitsu as my fighting style. 

Anyone can change! All it takes is some motivation and something to fight for. 

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leave a message in the comment section and tell us how Jiu-Jitsu helped you. 

 Sometimes we feel like we are falling into a bottomless pit and life keeps kicking us while we're down. Sometimes these moments leave us feeling hopeless and often times taking your life feels like the only option. I have had a lot of traumas in my life that pop up in my head often. You have to find a way to take away any power these traumas might have had. 

 Throughout life I have had an abusive step dad who use to kick the shit out of my mom. Eventually it moved on to me with severe verbal abuse to him pinning me down and telling me I was a worthless faggot who should have been aborted. He once grabbed my hair and threw me and I fell down the stairs. 

 Until this day I still don't know what happened that day of the snowmobile accident. I was sitting in my room playing NFL Blitz on N64 when he walked into the house dragging his leg. “Your mom is dead” he said as he went over to the cabinet and took out a bottle of Captain Morgan. I ran out to the lake and there my mom laid in a pool of her own blood. They had been drinking and crashed the snowmobile into the bank on the side of the lake. I took off her helmet and put her head in my lap. I was covered in blood and she stopped breathing a few times. I ran inside the house and grabbed a blanket. My step dad told me not to call 911. I said fuck that and ran downstairs and grabbed the phone and called anyway. She died in the ambulance and 3 times on the operating table that night but was brought back.

 She was in a body cast for months and I had to learn how to cook, help her to the bathroom and help her get dressed. One day, the summer before 7th grade she dropped me off at my dads house and she left. I didn't see her for almost 3 years. Great...lifetime of abandonment issues here we go. She has been in and out of my life but I cut her out finally. When I was going through my divorce In 2015 she posted on Facebook calling me a pig and saying I was a shitty father for trying to improve my life. There were times she told people she wished I would drive off a cliff or kill myself. There comes a time where you have to understand blood doesn't make someone family. 

 I deployed 4 times while in the Air Force to Qatar, Camp Bucca Iraq, Balad Airfield Iraq, and Bagram Airfield Afghanistan. I was a .50 cal gunner in Iraq and Afghanistan on convoys/route clearance/QRF… we got mortared daily in Iraq, often in Afghanistan and had many people that died while we were there. Luckily I never lost anyone in any of my units while we were there. When I got out, there was nothing but horrible feelings. Survivors guilt, feeling like a pussy because I couldn't handle deploying anymore, the anger of betrayal because multiple “Jody’s” came around when I thought they were my friends when I was deployed. I had enough. 

 When I was going through my divorce in 2015 I felt a sense of failure, anger, sadness all the bad thoughts someone has when the are walking on the edge of suicide. I failed my marriage, I felt like I abandoned my brothers by leaving the military. 

I decided to go on a trip to the boundary waters in northern Minnesota. It was supposed to be my last week in this world I felt hated me. I kayaked 14 miles up to basswood falls, in the middle of nowhere I spent 5 days thinking. I went fishing for my food, I went swimming, kayaking, howled at the moon. I was free. On that last day I decided my life had come to an end. I knew I had kids and people who cared about me but I could not fight the demons anymore. I took my Springfield Xdm 9mm and held the gun up to my head. An eagle was circling the lake and dove in for a fish. I saw a deer drinking water off in the distance. Bass were jumping out of the water. It was a peaceful ending to a difficult life. 

 I pulled the trigger.

 “CLICK” the firing pin slammed into the primer...nothing. I loaded my own ammo. 1000’s of rounds were made by my hands. Never have any of my rounds misfired or malfunctioned. I dropped the magazine, pulled the slide back and examined the bullet that was in the chamber. The 9mm round had a firing pin dent in the primer. It was a dud. 

 I stared at that bullet for what seemed to be hours. I put the magazine back in the chamber and fired off the 19 rounds I had left. I was still here for a reason and I set out on a quest the next few years to find out what my purpose was. I started fighting mma again, practicing Buddhism and meditating on the regular. I started to learn about the philosophy of happiness and positivity. I started to go hiking and spending more time outside exploring and started researching recreational therapy. I continue to have my ups and downs but when I am feeling down I remember these principles I came up with. 

 1. Look at who you have around you!

 Who are the shooting stars and who are the black clouds. Some people need to be cut out. Those energy vampires and people who feed on your sadness will make you feel like you are worthless need to go. There are those rare shooting stars out there that light up even the darkest skies. Keep those shooting stars close and make them the company you choose. They will build you up, support you, and give you some positivity when you need it most. But you have to accept their help.      

2. Look at what you have!

 I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a reliable car, I have the ability to work in many different career fields. Most of us are blind to what we have right in front of us. We want more more more when all we need is sitting in your house or apartment. Americans tend to be extremely materialistic and they fail to see that “items” will not bring you the happiness you need. Be happy for what you have.      

3. Accept your past! 

 Look back at your past failures and accept the fact that there is nothing you can do about your past. Our failures do not define us...our actions now and tomorrow do. Anyone can change and become a better person if you forgive the past and accept the decisions you have made.     

4. Is there anything you can do about your current situation right now? 

 We stress and dwell on things that we can not change or can not fix. Time heals all wounds and some things take time to fix. If you can not stand up and walk out the door to fix your current situation...breath. Take out a piece of paper and write down all of the things you need to do or fix. Prioritize your list and see what you can do right now. Sometimes all you need is a little order. Relax, stay calm, and take charge of your situation. Don't let it take charge of you.     

5. Look forward to a positive future! 

 Positive thoughts breed positive results. Project what you want and present your goals to the universe and work for it. When I was a kid I loved Jim Carrey. When he was a struggling actor, he wrote himself a check for 1M dollars and said he is going to cash that check one day. When he was paid for “Dumb and Dumber”, he received a check for 1M dollars. Those who say they can and those who say they cant, are usually right.     

6. Love yourself! 

 You can always do better if you stop hating yourself and start loving yourself. The shitty things you did in your past do not define who you are. You are not the same person as you were yesterday. Choose to grow. Choose to learn. Choose to help one another. 

Be the change you want to see in the world - Gandhi 

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 Love yall  

The last picture of my past life. 
Basswood falls MN July 2015

 I was 18 years old and this was the last day of my adolescent life. I wake up and give my little sister, and girlfriend a hug. My step Mom dropped me off at the recruiters office in Fridley, MN so I could drive to MEPS in Fargo, ND. Ssgt Klukus is there waiting for me as I gave my mom a hug for the last time. I was shitting my pants thinking “why am I doing this”? “What the fuck did I just do”? “I can still turn back”. Then I thought about some of the people I know and how they are going nowhere. I wanted adventure, I wanted to be a part of something, I wanted a purpose in life. I get in the car and lean forward so I could see my mom and wave goodbye.  She was waving and I could see tears in her eyes as we pulled away. I was terrified.

It was a long drive to Alexandria Minnesota. We drove out there to picked up more people that were on their way to MEPS as well. I get out and sit in the lobby of a hotel waiting for the other new trainees. I remember watching a family sitting down at a diner connected to the front lobby thinking about how I will no longer have my family to lean on. I felt alone in a crowded lobby. About 20 minutes go by and the rest the trainees show up in a 12 passenger van. I hop into the van filled with 18 and 19 year old boys and girls. Not one word was said on the drive from Alexandria to Fargo. When we rolled into Fargo, it was foggy, and dull. Nothing more depressing the foggy and wet weather when you are already feeling alone. MEPS is the long drawn out medical screening you go through before Basic training that takes a whole day. You go in with a bunch of other folks and stand there in your underwear. You do the crab walk, bear crawl, lunges to make sure your joints are ok. The worst part is when you go in the the back office and the old guy tugs at your balls and poke your butthole. At least I hope everyone else had their butthole poked...felt kind of awkward, the Dr. was a creepy old guy. Then after this crazy underwear olympics you go into a separate room where everyone is sworn in. Your last chance to run.

I remember sitting in the room talking to Red after we got done with MEPS on the 14th. Red was about 6’2’’ with blaze orange hair and eyebrows with a crooked smile. He was a little larger, about 225 lbs of well...not muscle. He was pounding a gallon water jug and taking a bunch of niacin and I asked him why. “Bro I smoked a shitload of weed and I want to make sure I pass the drug test in basic”. He did end up passing. We went and met up with the rest of the group that was in MEPS together for dinner at the shitty restaurant attached to the motel. We all did a toast (with water because we were all 18 and 19) and stayed there until about 9 or 10. There was an eerie silence at the table at the end of the night. There was a tv on and we all just sat there together in silence watching a news story about Iraq. One by one, someone would leave and go back to their room until it was just me and Red. We didn't want to sleep because early the next morning, reality was about to kick us in the face.

The next day we all load up on a bus to head to the airport. There was a mix of men and women on the bus and we were all headed to San Antonio, Texas. Lackland Air Force Base is the only place where the Air Force has basic training. The Army that has a few locations, Marines have 2, and who cares about the Navy, they are all just splashing around in a pool somewhere. I remember the flight being long and wishing it would never end. Once we got off of the flight they brought us to the San Antonio airport USO. It was quiet filled with people watching tv, talking on their phones, and sitting in recliners. You could cut the tension in that room with a spoon. The looks on some of the faces in there were straight fear. One girl looked like she was about to throw up, there was one kid in the corner rocking back and forth, people chewing on fingernails, restless leg syndrome all over the room. I remember sitting there staring out of the window when I sat down at a table with Red. I felt massive amounts of pressure in my chest, my stomach was churning. I was profusely sweating while I kept replaying the basic training scenes from “Full Metal Jacket”. I look off into the distance and I see a yellow school bus driving towards us. A very large guy, about 6’4’’ absolutely jacked, gets out of the bus wearing the smokey the bear hat and BDU uniform. I felt like a frog just jumped out of my throat and the room was dead silent. He walks in and yells “EVERYONE ON THE BUS, NOW”! I felt as though I was being kidnaped. We pile on the bus back to front squished in like sardines in a can. It was about a 30 minute bus ride to the 321st basic training squadron. The terrifying site of 6 drill instructors standing there, arms crossed, uniforms perfectly pressed, smokey the bear hats tilted forward so you could barely see the scowl on their faces, had all of us shitting our pants. My life was about to change, and I would never be the same.

Tell us what you felt on you way to basic in the comments below!

Thanks for reading. 

​Love yall

The last picture of me as child with my mom. 

I graduated high school June of 2006. I had a job at Burlington Coat Factory in the baby depot and I was fucking miserable. I had to build model cribs and strollers, help pregnant ladies find shit for their newborns. They made me sort fucking baby clothes when I didn't have anything else to do.  I use to stack crib boxes in the storage area into a fort so I could climb back there and sleep because I hated my job so much. I remember the day I knew I was destined for more. I was talking to my department manager and she asked me what i'm going to do now that I graduated high school. I just stared at her and said “I don’t know, work here full time”? She laughed and said “honey, think about it, you will be here every day standing around helping pissed off pregnant ladies because they cant find something. You will have to clean and rearrange baby clothes, move boxes, build cribs and for a whopping $7 per hour”? “You think you will be happy with that”? I clocked out and quit on the spot. That is after buying my leather jacket I had always wanted to buy and my parents would buy for me. I hid it in the back the first day I got there because it was the last one like it. To be totally honest, that jacked was the only reason why I started working there in the first place. 

I finally found out where the Air Force Recruitment centre was in Fridley Minnesota. Wearing my new leather jacket, I walked in and met with SSgt Klukus I believe her name was. I told her I want to be security forces and she pretty much shook my hand and said “Congratulations, that shouldn't be a problem”! Not knowing I was about to get shit on for the next 6 years. For those who don’t know, Security forces is like the red headed step child of the Air Force. No one likes because we are Air Force, and no one likes us in the Air Force because we are cops. We get the shittiest living conditions in the Air Force, usually shit food, and shittiest rules. We were a mixture of cops, security, and “infantry” to make it easier to explain to the normies reading this. Yes Army and Marines, we were not actually infantry but we did a lot of route clearance, QRF, ASO, and convoys. Google those terms if you don't know what they are. June 18th I signed the dotted line and I was ready for my next big adventure. 
​
Now there are plenty of reasons why people join the military. For me it was a mix of family tradition, fear of being a nobody, fast track to becoming a cop, did not want to go to college. However, I can honestly say, seeing all of those people die on 9/11 lit a fire that has never stopped burning until this day. Every day I was in the military I had the best reason to go to war...my brothers and sisters beside me on the front line. There will never be a bond stronger than someone you fought beside. Many people don’t have a reason why they join but I bet that brotherhood was something that gave it some meaning. 

I would never change one piece of my past and I would sign that dotted line time and time again. No one can take away the honor I had to serve next to America's finest. 

​Love Yall

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